Monday, September 13, 2010

K and B Plus 13

Today was so surprisingly emotional. B and I had to pick up our embryos from place A and transfer them to place B, due to the fact that my doctor and his old partner recently broke up.
As the three of us walked into the center to pick up our 12 embies, I saw a couple just finishing a procedure. Immediately they both took to Chloe. Half Smiling at her  I could see them hoping they too would be blessed with a beautiful, healthy child. The pain in that couples face made my heart drop. I too knew that feeling all too well. We began to chat a little and the wife explained to me that this was going to be their second time doing invitro. I looked at her holding back my tears feeling so choked up and said , "It will work, I know it will." I hated so much when people would say good luck to me. I don't know why but that phrase is so annoying. All you want to hear is that the process is going to work. You don't want to hear that you need luck. I am sure many of you have friends, know someone that is going through this now or maybe you are going through this yourselves.

Things positive/encouraging to say
-I know its going to work. You are going to get the children/child that you are suppose to have
-I am here for you and let them cry to you
Things to AVOID saying
-I could never imagine this happening to me
-I don't know what I would do if I were you
-You need to calm down. If you stop stressing this will work (this is the worst!!!) especially since every time I became pregnant I was a complete, horrible, stressful mess!
Both my husband and I had to fill out forms so that we could take our embryos (mine and my hubby's already fertilized sperm and egg, from when we were 28 years old) to Center B.
The nurse behind the desk and I immediately recognized each other. She looked at Chloe and her face lit up. I once baby sat you, she said to Chloe. When my eggs were taken out of my uterus and fertilized with my hubby's sperm, the embryologist had to see which embryos would grow and which ones would not. The nurse behind the desk literally knew my baby girl from when she was an embryo. I had chills up and down my spine. I was so thankful to be back at that center today but with our amazing child.
A few minutes later the embryologist walked out into the waiting room where we were sitting (the person who actually places the sperm in the eggs)  I had to contain myself from dropping on the floor and kissing her feet. I felt like saying thank you so much, what can I ever do to re-pay you. You have no idea how grateful I am for you. But instead because I didn't want to seem like a crazy lady, I quietly told her, with a big lump in my throat,  that she had given me Chloe and simply said thank you.
Again ,I could barely get my words out. I looked at Chlo bear on the floor, laying on her stomach, coloring with a black marker that she took from behind the desk. I was thinking to myself that Chloe will never ever know how it had taken so many people and so much help to get her here. What a true miracle and blessing she is. I had never really thought about how many amazing people helped us have Chloe.  Maybe because I never really wanted too, maybe it was just too painful  or maybe because the last time I left that center I was full of hope and heartache. We did not have Chloe yet and still from there our journey was just beginning.
As we were leaving I thanked the nurse behind the desk. The desk that was filled with couples just like us. Their lives, credit card numbers and consent signatures written in blue ink all over the papers that were scattered on that desk. I walked over to the hopeful couple. By this time I couldn't hold back my tears any longer and then said again," I know this will work for you." I felt so sick for them and so sad. If you could have only seen the way they looked at our baby girl. I put on my black sunglasses so that I could secretly cry as hard as I wanted too and walked out of the center.
Driving in our car was a very weird experience. My hubby was driving, our 12 embryos were strapped in the front seat and Chlo Chlo and I were sitting in the back. My husband seemed a little up tight so I joked with him by saying,"Do you think we should hold on to these embies and keep them in the car with you so that you can drive in the carpool lane to work?" 
Getting to center B I felt a little more hopeful and up beat. The new nurse, nurse H, explained that she would be there with me when I have my transfer in a week. Nurse H said that before she took down our babies (aka embryos) to the freezer, she would like to show us and other couple that their names were on the vile's. Nurse H took 3 vile's out of the huge and heavy cream tank. I saw our names written on each vile and snapped a quick picture of our babies. How many people can say they have a picture of that?
The meaning of life is unknown. Why we get the children we have is unknown as well. Why can these crazy women and men who beat and abuse their children conceive them so easily? No one will ever know. All I know is what I have learned and what my mom always tells me. "Kristi, have faith. Have faith in G-D, (or whatever you personally believe in) have faith that Ilene, ( my deceased mother in law whom we lost 5 years ago, Chloe, is Chloe Ilene named for her. A Jewish tradition) and have faith in everyone in heaven that we have lost and whom loves you, B and Chlo." Really, that's really all I can do.
In my ending note, not only was today one of the holiest days of the year for us Jewish people but it was another day for me to be reminded and so completely thankful for my Chlo bear.  I can't remember if I said this is my last post but in the two years that my hubby and I have been blessed with Chloe, I have NEVER yelled at her or even lost patience. Why would I? How lucky are we for the children we have. They are children, learning what's right and wrong from us. They are half of you and the other person you love most in your life, your husband. They are a blessing, a blessing only a few lucky couples get to have in this life if we are lucky. And if we are really really lucky we get blessed with more than one child.  
Brag about your children to everyone you know and to everyone you come in contact with. It will only give your child more confidence. Hug your children and remember that when they do something wrong, we as their parents have to teach them what's right. They don't know and even if they do, maybe they need to be reminded. I love running errands with my baby, taking her even to the market, getting stopped by everyone and being told how beautiful Chloe is.
Leaving center A today, the embryologist said,'Chloe is so beautiful."  I turned to walk out, looked back at her and said,"Thank you and I have to agree with you."

Written by : 
Kristi Kaplon
kdpaphi [at] aol [dot] com

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  1. That was so beautiful. I had tears in my eyes. Thank you soooo much for sharing.

  2. Every time she sends me something, I think I am going to just cry before I read it and then maybe I won't have to read it 20 times because I have tears in my eyes.

  3. Wow, this was just so amazing. For someone who feels like the road ahead is long, it gave me a sense of relief.

  4. wow. Thank you for sharing. It continues to amaze me how lucky I am to be a parent. Children are such blessings.

  5. That they are Jennifer! Remember, if anyone would like to speak to Kristi personally, she does not mind if you contact her through her email.

  6. Just read this and now have tears flowing down my face. That was beautiful! So eloquently written! Just beautiful.